Note to Myself

billy corgan has depression+ocd. we are brothers.

i have yellow nails. biankablakko sends instant glucose up my brain.

i am wearing green, purple and blue today. my unward is harlequinish.

we always choose „the safe way” but the safe way cannot make us happy. it’s just some bullshit we are directed into.

i will become a writer or a poet or smth like that. it was quite hard for me to understand this is my vocation, since i have been labeled myself many names, except the real one.

i guess „coke” should be spelled inwards: „keco”.

this new time is the best things happening to me. at the end, i will be happy. i have still got psychotherapy sessions. I was really ashamed to admit i am doing that, but since this is the truth, what’s the problem?

one of the things that used to make me angry is that whenever i used to say something, people would go like „you are crazy/ what sort of a thing is that?/ this is madness/”. now i dont go angry anymore. because i don’t say anything.

my biggest wish in life is not to worry about things. i just wanna have my tea or coffee in the bedroom and look outside and watch videos of Placebo when they were my age, like 26-27 (Brian used to wear pink lipstick that made him look like strange). Just watch old concerts of those guys. i don’t want to be part of the ratrace they call life.

yesterday, i tried to make a photo of me with a small quadrate paper on my tongue, to look like manson in party monster. „how do you like my ufo?” but i did not like any of the images and at night, i realized there was nothing wrong with the pictures, i am just not totally recovered, that’s why i dont like the images. maybe next time i will do it and post the results here with the party monster story.

i guess lady gaga is so perfect and i love everything she does. she introduced me to the suffering for the love of music. i told hoefora that you don’t listen to gaga at work, you listen to her when it’s evening when the window is open and you have some keco lines underneath the nose.

i am so peaceful after i gave up all my handicaps: ambition, need to be the best, to be perfect, to be the first in everything. do i really need that crap?

i finally admitted not everybody likes me. it was like a breath of fresh air. and even if i meet again the people who rejected me or insulted me, i will speak nicely to them. i really can’t be a bitch because bitchhood sucks and so does having resentments.